Just finished.

Justin begins talking as we enter the mouth of the bridge. “I had a nice time tonight. I hope you did too.” His voice is almost too soft to hear over the rhythmic bumping of the tires along the segments of the bridge. The water is black, heavy barges with winking lights drift slowly below. I say that I had a nice time too. The green sign posted at the end of the bridge begins to glow at the margin of Justin’s headlights. The words aren’t yet visible but I know them anyway: Now Entering St. Charles.

“I think finding nice guys to date around here is really hard, you know?”

I don’t know how it happened, but I forgot to hold my breath the one time it feels possible that the bridge will collapse. My heart starts beating so hard I can hear my hot blood thumping through my ears. Suddenly all the air and saliva that make my mouth work disappear and so do all the words that I need to say to Justin because he’s got this whole thing so wrong. And he must have gotten it wrong from Lisa. The effeminate kid who doesn’t do normal boy things was the identity I was trying to obscure with this cooler one. I tried to create a new version of myself by hanging out with people like Lisa and Justin, but now I know I just look like the kid I was trying to erase.

“I’m not gay,” I say.

If You Knew Then What I Know Now is a series of linked essays by Ryan Van Meter. It’s about sexuality, love, and coming out. If you’re me, it’s nostalgic as fuck. I couldn’t stop reading and I ate this book. I swallowed it up so quickly because many of the moments in it felt scraped from my childhood and college years. It’s more thoughtful and beautiful and smart than anything I could ever write on the subject, though.

I got it a couple of months ago and it sat on my nightstand while I worked around to it. I might leave it on my nightstand now. Special.

I would like you to purchase this book. Please buy it with your money and read it. Check your local indie bookstore and have them order you a copy if they don’t already have it in stock.